After loads of hype and bullshit about the new venue (ExCeL), ZeroZero sent in a lone agent to check they shit, ninja-style. First up, the venue is gay, and difficult to get to.The only good bit about the journey was travelling through SHADWELL (ARMY!). Arriving at the venue, the geek-overload was too extreme.There was no one looking drunk, and this was a bad omen. After a quick look around, it was first things first and ZeroZero was on the time honoured quest to get drunk for free. There was a central bar in the middle, but it was not free, far from it. The point of this I assume, was for fools to `network`. This is a gay concept, and the only ashtrays in the place were there. The stands werent giving up any beer, and the games looked tired and wack.

Getting the shakes, ZeroZero was chainsmoking and getting tetchy at so many oversized bags that contained bullshit smacking into everyone. The saviours of the show were a company who, I think were Dutch, they were called darkwarez or something like that (not sure). After spotting their friendly layyyyyydies who were wearing the best t-shirts in the place, saying `the only thing to fear is running out of beer`, they handed out a beermat with the to-the-point details - `free beer stand 1336 (I think). I tracked down they stand, and they had their own bar, and also had the best game ever there. This was called Hooligans, and involves controlling a bunch of pissedup mashedup blokes who go and loot shops, buy beer, break stuff and fight police and other hooligans.Class.

The only other good stuff was a stand with some quality ladies wearing just about nowt, this was to advertise a game where you chat up women, but was so shit. They didn`t even have any copies of it running anywhere. This 'game' was also on show last year without a demonstration - fools or what? There was also a giant car from Norway with a radar and blood-bank on it, it was 22ft long. Rrras. That was about it for good stuff. Oh yeah, and Revenge of the Mutant Camels 2.Old-skooooool!

So, the message is, ya wack, ya stingy and fake. Fuck all that shit, games are about having fun, not sealing yourself off in offices `networking`. Remember, beer is good, free beer is better, and getting people drunk is good for your reputation. Oh yeah, and big up to the Korean geezer and his home-made horrendously large machine guns, sniper rifles etc that you used on a game called DreamGun, where you blast wild animals until you miss and they charge at you.The geezer must have been in `Nam to have got all that shit. ZeroZero don`t care about business cards, only free stuff, and games that are good. Oh yeah, and tasty ladies, there were tons of them but they was nearly all false and not giving it up (time to bust a nut).

Go back to the fun shit and stop pretending to be professional, we know y`all on the sniff as soon as the show ends. Sony and the like were not giving any parties : weakness. Just cos you havent got a new machine to hawk about, give it up! You still got the clams cos we have to buy your games, you don`t send us none. So put some money back in your customer-base before we have to put shame in your game. That goes for you too, Nintendo, and you, Gates. We know ExCeLs in the middle of the masonic complex of london, all them obelisks and pyramids on the buildings prove it son. Yes, ECTS 2001 all looks very good but this aint a sightseeing tour son, have the show somewhere you can get back from easy without them robo-trains. ZeroZero verdict: E- .Must try harder.

PS. ECTS means European Computer Trade Show