Upon a recent visit to Amsterdam, we were surprised the diversity in quality of many of the shops. We present this guide as a way of avoiding being getting skanked by chumps.
First of all, don`t go to the first coffeeshops you see after leaving the central station. Many of them will try and sell you some bullshit e.g some wack "Nepalese" that fails to get you caned. Your best bet is to head for somewhere like Coffeeshop 36, which is nearby and just around the corner from Smokey Joes and Coffee Shop Central. The selection is hardcore, you will not get skanked as all their herbs kick arse. They have a DJ who plays mostly commercial techno, but sometimes hardcore drum`n`bass. Highlights in the herbs department are the Bubblegum hash which is very sticky and gives a energy high; Red Hair skunk and they also stock THC crystals, called Thunder Powder. (Bombaklaat)
Another good place is almost next door to Coffee Shop 36 - next to the police station! This is Hill Street Blues, a place where you can get some beer and read the grafitti that covers everything. Your next stop should be the Greenhouse - where they have some arsekicking erbs. Then there is the Rockery, of which there are two, both with probably the most potent herbs in my opinion, especially the White Butterfly, which is not for lightweights.
If you need to chill out on some pillows, then you must go to the Sensi-Seed Coffee Shop. This place had some mash-you-up skunk called Sensi-Skunk. This particular herb is good at making people laugh a lot. Sorted. Unfortunately, some wack Americans were laying a shit album by Wyclef [- the fucking pussies].
If you fancy a different type of high, then you need some of the local fungi stores which legally sell psychedelic mushrooms and other drugs such as Mescaline ( - not for the feint hearted). Examples of these shops are littered around, and examples include Dr. Who's and The Magic Mushroom Gallery. Try the Hawaiians for an intense trip, the Mexicans for a visual trip and the English for an energy rush. (Rastafari-Bombaclaat)
If you need to buy any girls (particularly during the day), then hang around the station. Americans seem to like to sell them there.
This should give you an idea of Amsterdam. These were our favourite quotes :
"Heeeyyy you guuuuuyyys… you wanna buy any…girls?"
(Ras)
"Cr-RCK?"
"Pasta E Basta!"
"Golfingschlag!"
"Fook Hing"
"You guys wanna see a film with people shitting on each other - for free?"
(Bloodklaaaaaaaaaaaaat….)
"Wurrr---ur-whmmmm"
"U kunt hier pinnen an chippen"
"Hallo! You want to make party? We are German" <This, unsurprisingly,
ended up being a rather wack party>
"Hey you buddies from the U-S-of-A. Am I glad to see some Yankee guys…<and
so on>"
"Oi! - Are you from Hitchin, mate?" <This happened surprisingly often…>
"Big one little one…Cr-RCK? Wsss, wsss…Cr-Ck?"
So…step the fuck off from any chumps who chat this nonsense. Also, you must look out for : Grumpy bastard bus drivers and mad old men on mopeds.
Also don`t talk to too many fools at night. Some drug dealers don't take no for an answer…you have been warned.
By the way, if some Americans join you when you're skinning up, don`t let them skank you - they have more money than you do. And more herbs. Mind you, getting them mash up could result in a few laughs ;).
PS. Fuck Smokey Joe's! If anyone wants to start stepping up to lightweights in this world, then here should be your starting point. FUCK SMOKEY JOES. WACK BUMBAKLAAT NAPPERS!
Guide courtesy of Steven Clarke.
